It is a change that might be too profound for some of my readers, but right now there is someone that justifies that choice.
A certain and very special person doesn’t understand my language, and for me it's important that that person can read my writings and my way of thinking. So, here's looking at you kid. You know who you are.
To everything there is a dark side. In everything we have to include everyone. In everyone I have to include myself. I have made tremendous progress over the past year. Found out a lot about my true self, my abilities and my limits. Especially those last. I must say that it is a wonderful thing to find our limits. I finally have found a way to respect myself in a different way. An honest way. A way in which I don't hold a grudge at myself when I'm not perfect. The ability to forgive myself was a great step. One that took me to power down my brain in order to escape insanity.
Life is sometimes almost too hard to bare. But when you learn to deal with them, it's a whole new different thing. Learning is a tough process. You sometimes have to question things that you cherish, the person in the mirror, the future you dreamt of. Refusing to face reality is allowing your Nemesis to grow inside and overpowering your destiny and the way you affect the people around you.
I don't know if I have found happiness yet. A lot is still missing. But is happiness an absolute thing? Is it only achieved when you fulfill every objective in life? If that is true, it's a really sad reality. Most people will never get to know happiness that way. And although I've given up on wanting life to be fair, I think that it would be a little too cruel.
Having some little things in life to which to hold on to, I get the feeling that happiness can be lived in small bits to which we hold on to and remember with a smirk. There are some things that are missing in my life. Things that will make me pull thru and keep progressing in life. Fatherhood would be one of those things.
It's been some years now since I've started to have the need of having a child in my life. I don't want my mistakes to become an empty learning, that will serve to no one else but me. It would be a joy to be able to help a new life to find an easier way thru its path.
Some other things are important too. They are a bit too private to publish here, thou. Whoever needs to know about them already does, so there is no need for public disclosure. Everyone has the ability to become their own Nemesis.
Whether we become our worst foe or the best friend, it all depends on how much we respect ourselves and choose to lead a life based on truth or not. Love can have a great deal to do with it. Sometimes having the love of someone has the effect of leading us away from the path of self destruction and hatred. The same effect can be achieved when you get rid of bad things in your life and free yourself to dedicate your energies in the pursue of your goals, and happiness. You no longer survive, you start living. And that is no little achievement.
This wasn't one of the most inspiring evening to write. Usually I don't even write when I don't feel really up to it. But tonight it was important to do this and start showing more of me to that person that has become so important to me and can't understand my language. Even so, what's inside of me is no secret. To you kid, my Friday evening over a rainy night. My thoughts were to you all thru this post.
