He ain't heavy, he's my brother

The hollies released a song a long time ago with this title. Recently I’ve rediscovered it, and once again I’ve started thinking. Pay good attention to the lyrics, it’s worth it.

I know that many days when you get up in the morning, you just feel like going back to bed, or cursing everyone and everything around you. No matter what might happen that day, you always have a good chance to discover the unexpected.

You never know what will happen, who you will meet. Sometimes it might be a jerk or a bitch, but others you might find a good friend. And friends might even become very good friends.

We live in a world that tries it’s best to push us in going faster and further, creating such a huge pressure that sometimes a warrior can’t stand it and falls on it’s knees. That warrior might be you or me, or someone else. And the name of the game is everyone for itself. You guessed it wrong.

It was about 3 years now, that one of the best teachers I’ve had so far told me that “when in a tight spot, friends are what gets you by”. That sentence still knocks on the back of my mind from time to time. It was an instant life lesson when I needed it.

Throughout my life, I’ve met some friends in unsuspecting days. Those where the best friendships I’ve made so far, most still last. And all it took was to reach out to them with an open heart. Or let them discover who I am.

Over the years, some very complicated issues have happened to me, in which I went down to the bottom of the pit. A friend eventually helped me up. Other times I’ve been there for others, and my only reward was a smile, which was more than enough. And that has been both the best use of my free time, and a way to sometimes let aside my personal and complicated problems while I was unable to handle them.

When you help out a friend, that is never a burden. Some friends are more than brothers. If you would do that for a brother, and it wouldn’t feel heavy, why not for a good friend?

Helping out those in need isn’t always about lending money or solving some legal issue, or even helping someone get a job. Some times, helping someone to smile is a bigger achievement than all the rest. Help someone to rediscover the surrounding beauty in nature, the gift of life. Do it freely, expecting no reward. Spend some of your free time with your friends, whether they need help or not.

Karma was a word taught to me by a friend. Not knowing, I always practiced it from the start. Do good, and eventually it will come back to you. One thing I can promise you, your life will feel much more fulfilled. As years go by, you will look back and find a trail of love behind you, with friends by your side.

So keep in your mind, he ain’t heavy, he’s your brother.

Being a hero

To how many people do we try to be heroes in our lives? Right now they aren’t many, but they have been over the years. It’s been some years since I realized that heroes pass us by in the street and we don’t even know it. They are not mediatic, the TV and the newspapers don’t talk about them. Still, they are there, day in and day out. So how do we tell who they are?

Lets start looking in our own houses. Real heroes are usually shy and don’t do stunts for public display. They do something better. Instead of one time achievements that hit the tabloids, they keep it real every day. You see, the real heroes are the ones that stand by you thru thick and thin.

You can tell someone is a hero when that person hangs in a shitty job to keep all the bills in order. Or gives up a dream to stand by you. A hero will never let any loved one hurt, even if it hurts him more. Heroes are people that lead a live based on love, and sacrifice a lot do give a little bit. Still, a hero will never throw it in your face. Perhaps you have a hero in your own home, or you are one yourself.

No matter how unselfish you are, it will hurt sometimes when you feel that people don’t appreciate your efforts or fall back on your expectations. You give it all for someone and sometimes that someone doesn’t realize that luck has knocked at his door. But a hero seldom complains, because the actions and sacrifices taken were from the bottom of the heart.

Loving parents know this. The sacrifices that they do everyday show that a smile from their child is sometimes a better reward than risking in going after a professional dream, or giving themselves a treat, like a sports car, a better house or brand clothes.

Now humans are building bugs. Either a family or a career, most of us have to build something. And sometimes, going after one is incompatible with the pursue of the other.

Grownups can handle most anything, and they have the structure to cope with disappointment. If you are being a hero to a child, never promise anything that you can’t do. After the first broken promise, it will be easy to just keep going on, thinking that they will understand and that you can make it up later. That won’t happen. Children will forgive you, but they wont forget. Constant disappointments from the people they thrust the most will leave scars throughout life.

Whenever you bet on one way or the other, make sure you take it serious. If you chose to have a career, bet on it heavily. When it’s time to start your family, never fail them. Make sure you get down on the dirt with the kids, participate in each other activities and spend time together. We can all be heroes, and in more ways than one.

Believe me, for instant actions, most of the time you cant tell if someone was brave or just stupid. Continuity in making an effort for someone else’s happiness, that’s what I call courage. Only love will make you keep going, forgiving and being forgiven. Respect however, will make you go that extra mile not to hurt the one’s you love.

Friends are all that matters

Last Saturday night I was honored with the invitation for a friend’s birthday party.

I didn’t knew most of the people there, but everyone was so friendly and easy going, that I felt mostly among friends.

Dinner has rather fun, with some nice ladies there, loads of jokes and some pranks too. But the best part was yet to come. One of the pranks involved a plucked chicken that I took there, and served on a plate to a friend. This was on account of a private joke that happened some years ago, and is still famous.

Some compliments were exchanged between me and that guy, and believe me, in spite of being a jokester and a prank lover, I would be insane to compete against him. That guy is positively nuts and has absolutely no moral barriers in what he can say or do. Never the less, he is responsible and I have never heard of him toying with anyone’s safety or feelings.

Thing is, that chicken got more than it bargained for. Not only it was a revival of some shocking memories, but it led to something completely unexpected. I traded it for the waitress phone number. That’s right folks, a chicken for a number. It happened to me, and I still cant believe it. I paid around 2,5€ for that chicken, had a good laugh and later recycled it by trading it for a way to connect to a hot waitress. Not bad, huh?

After we left the restaurant, we went on to a bar. There was a band playing, and we joined in with the crowd, singing our lungs out and dancing like there was no tomorrow.

We sang Happy Birthday to Bruno, and lifted him up in the air. Now that was special. That’s when you can tell that someone is lucky enough to have friends that are there for you at all times. And recently, he was there for me. We don’t thank each other anymore. This kind of friendship doesn’t need that. We just give back went it’s time to help each other out.

In the middle of the night, you sometimes see people slow down and get that empty look in the eyes. You can distinctly tell that all is not ok with them, and sometimes you force yourself into a mood change not to ruin other people’s party. I must had been one of those empty eyes at some point, and I saw some others there too. I guess everyone has it’s own problems. But when you get together to celebrate the birthday of a friend like this, all is left behind.

There was one other thing that impressed me more than anything, and it happened during dinner. The way that Bruno’s sister looked out for her other brother. You can sense when love is in the air, whatever kind of love it is. Complicity and tenderness was what I felt from the outside. Sensitivity let’s you know this kind of stuff. I owe that to the women in my life.

There really are much more elegant ways to life than reacting with a hot head and loosing your patience. And there it was, the proof that my thoughts were correct.

I must congratulate this set of brothers. From one I gained a friendship that is unique so far. Not so much because of being someone so special that he can stand out in any crowd. He came around in the precise moment I needed a friend the most, and stood by me. Protected his space, respected himself and took no crap from me, even when I pushed people away due to the massive frustration I felt in my life and the way I was being screwed.

I applauded his courage in pursuing the love he felt once for someone that was very special to him. Even thou I knew the real reasons he had for leaving his country, family and friends, my hug and best whishes were given to him. When he came back, I welcomed home a man that had the maturity to realize that the quest he took was for a grail that didn’t existed anymore.

For all this and much more, this post is an homage to a friend that with his soft ways made me understand that rage and frustration leads only to self destruction. This was a friend that rescued my soul and helped me understand how I can help others too. I tend to need someone like this from time to time. I can only hope this time was the last, and if not, I will be a lucky man if a friend like him comes around when I need it again.

We should always let people know how important they are to those that surround them before it’s too late. I intend to do that every day with those I come across in my path.

You’ve got a good angle on life kid. Hope I can measure up to your example.

Domo arigato gozai masta Bruno san.

The right to be ambitious

I was always a dreamer. My hobbies as a child was watching TV and building stuff with LEGO (thank you, oh thank you Mr. Ole Christiansen). I was an early reader as well. By the time I was 7, I had read Louis Pasteur’s biography, was able to read 2 books intended for children per day, was fascinated with a book about astronomy that my mother let me chose from a door to door salesman, tried to explain everything around me, and so on.

To tell you the truth, I still do most of those things nearly 25 years later. Except for the LEGO, which I replaced with some more challenging stuff. Oh, and I’ve lost patience to read huge books that rattle on about nothing just to get the story solved in the last 5 pages. What a waste of paper, and of my time.

I didn’t knew why, but the stars always fascinated me. Later I found out that the depths of the ocean did too. Physics and electronics, math… all those were absolutely fantastic. The conclusion I later came to, was that I was fascinated by anything I couldn’t directly touch. Worlds that need some elegant form to be seen, manipulated and understood.

Years went by, and I still get that glitter in my eyes whenever I sense an opportunity. I’m a child again, dreaming of the possibilities, getting everyone’s attention to that problem and trying to solve it.

Now I’ve come to a point that I can honestly say that the difference between a boy and a man is how much their toys cost. I’m starting to enter the big league, and already I aim to do something extraordinary.

I’ve always sensed ever since I was a kid that my life would be something out of the common. That’s my oldest passion. The Chinese have a saying that states “may you live in interesting times”. They also have another that has become my personal favorite “It’s better to light a candle than to curse the dark”.

I think I have both at hand. This are certainly interesting times we live in, and I keep trying to light candles. I know that it will someday necessary for me to leave Portugal in search of more. And if I can make what I want here, money wont be an issue. Just how people function. I need to see for myself if the stupid actions we take in this country are taken abroad also.

Poverty is a serious thing, but spiritual poverty is all the more grave. That depends on you. Not everyone can excel, and I don’t even think that I’m something else. I just try. I try to achieve my full potential. Having someone better than me doesn’t bother me. I feel like I’m part of a global team, that everyone has a responsibility over mankind, and we all can contribute with a little something.

Intelligence is probably our greatest asset. One of the gifts we all received when entering life. Some with more, others with less, we can all come out with new ideas and concepts, that others might even develop, but that someone had to think of.

One of the most difficult things to conquer are people. We create some of the greatest difficulties in getting ahead. That is why for me, I will get every thing I can from this country as fast as I can. Some day I will break out, carrying with me the knowledge I scraped for myself, and use it were people aren’t so near sighted. I feel it’s easier to make something for Portugal from abroad than from here.

Having vision in here is a nice way to get enemies. Most everyone hate the idea of changes. The Portuguese are so used to having little that whenever someone gets to a position that allows some changes to happen, he or she serves himself before the company or the country. Fertile ground for corruption.

I don’t want to settle down for long. Just enough to help things to change for the better, and then to head for other challenges.

Learning while I cut open my path, I will eventually get there. To be able to be in a position that allows me to give something back. That’s when I will come full circle.

Having to chose between friends

Sometimes life plays tricks on you. It’s never an easy task to have to chose between friends, but what if you really have to?

The very idea might seem appalling, and believe me, I don’t like it either. But I sometimes have been placed in that spot, and when you feel there is no way out, everything must turn practical or it’s your heart on a stick.

This really isn’t easy to explain. In the end someone always gets hurt. And selfish as it might seem, if you face life’s responsibilities towards yourself and the ones you love, no matter how much it pains you, the answer is right before you.

To get in a little deeper on the subject, this one is about people that you hold close to your heart and that disappoint you. With or without guilt, on purpose or not, those people eventually make you suffer and the shit is, you are always the common factor.

Now, some years ago I devised a strategy to prevent people from hurting me. It’s really very simple. Expect nothing from them, that way they cant disappoint you. No disappointment, no pain. This is the part you can control.

What you can’t control is when you look into someone’s eyes and Kaboom… you’ve surrendered. There is no way out, no turning back, you are there.

If that person doesn’t feel the same, you will hurt and she wont even know it. If she is bright enough, she can tell. Being friends, the last thing she will want is to hurt you. But that’s beyond her control.

So, you find yourself in an emotional crisis. What do you do? Keep in touch with that person, which is what you want the most, and see her get on with her life elsewhere? Or do you step aside and drift away, drunk with feelings that you don’t want to understand, and get on with your own life?

Now this is the part where you need to chose between friends. At that point, keep being friends with her is not compatible with being friend to yourself. Just thinking of her hurts you, not to mention talking or seeing.

Decisions like these never come easy. You reach deep into your gut, and rip out the answer. And your self-esteem came thru. Being your own friend was the way to survive. You just couldn’t bare hurting anymore and life had to go on. To many things going on, a family crisis, keeping functional at your job, deciding about what direction you want your life to head… and you plunge into work. Die to the world, find a nice cave, get in and lick your wounds until you hibernate.

Working has a mild healing effect. It’s not an all healing balm, it can’t fix some of the scars. And if you don’t stop in time, it can get addictive. But when your life seems like a deck of cards that was pushed off the table, it’s an easy solution. At least you are making some sense out of chaos and feeling that at least a part of your life is being successful.

Radical changes can really give you some sort of redemption. The advantage of a new start is that you can be as bold as you like and screw everyone else’s opinion. This was when robots came into my life. And this was when I worked the most, for the smallest pay in my life too. But you know what? It was worth it. I lost that sense of insecurity that was holding me back, and managed to look up into the sky again. And this time, there was no need for rain to hide the tears.

Volkswagen was a huge project. One that in spite of all the flaws that occurred, taught me a lot about coordination, security, team work, and I was able to see what it was like to really apply quality and management tools in a crisis situation were everyone panics. Keeping cool under pressure is nothing less than fabulous. After leaving it, more robots followed. And amazingly, they still do.

Robots are a demanding mistress. They fuck you up, drain all your energies, keep you from family and friends, but also get you to heaven in ecstasy. It’s easy to forget the rest of the world when they get under your skin. I usually forget to eat, so it shouldn’t be too hard to understand the kind of fascination. When you get bitten by the industry bug, you will know what I’m talking about.

During this period I was put to a test that I nearly didn’t came out of. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? That’s only partly true, because every battle leaves it’s scars. Anyway, I’m glad about the joint effort that this family has put into getting out of the hole. Finally, honesty, truth, hard work, tolerance and especially, a lot of love made what wasn’t there for 30 years. A family unit.

Before all this, that required me to be my friend, and keeping friend with someone that had no chance to avoid hurting me (it was out of her hands), I had to make the only possible choice. Guilt was never an issue. And if guilt existed, it was mine. But the damage was done and I needed to keep walking. So you see, sometimes when friends don’t walk the same track for some time, that doesn’t mean that they have turned their back on each other. Sometimes you just need to make it on your own.

The right to what kind of life?

Pregnancy interruption is on the Portuguese agenda once again. The society finds itself divided in matters of opinion, and a lot of talk is done, without much thinking as far as I’m aware of.

Passion rules the game, and so, people don’t reason much about this when they let their ideologies and personal feelings take charge, shutting out any other argument. From careful and respectful discussion could bring some light into this, but people don’t allow that to happen.

This is not the first time that the Portuguese are called to vote on this subject. The last referendum was actually a disgrace, since the abstinence was so high that the decision made was as far as I can see not a true image of the country’s opinion.

Two basic scenarios come to mind. People with money, and people without. The rich will always be in the clear. Spain is just a few kilometers away. Cross the border, no one knows you, get a safe and legal abortion and you can get back to the sanctity of your life with an untouched image. And all for a measly 1000€ or so. To some this is peanuts.

Then there are those with less money, but that can still afford it, or have someone that loans them the money, It’s still possible, and gets done in the same terms.

Last, of corse, come those that have no money to overcome this obstacle. Wishing to make an abortion or not, these people cant get by well in life. Pain is already a steady companion of them. Usually, birth control isn’t what they think of. Condoms are expensive, a steady couple wont want to use them anyway, and other contraceptive methods have side effects too. So every solution has it’s own faults. Nothing is perfect.

Faced with the choice to have more kids, this decision is not one that any woman can make lightly. Her body is in jeopardy, her health too, and unlike physical scars, the emotional ones will last forever. This has nothing to do with your social status, feelings are universal.

I have been in contact with some very nasty situations, and believe me, no matter what kind of decision you make, suffering is on the way if you are poor. Unfortunately that is the majority of society.

I’ve heard many talk about the responsibility of the life on the way. I hear nothing about the responsibility of the lives that already where born. A family with 4 or 5 kids and no financial resources isn’t uncommon. Leave your Mercedes at home and take a walk on the poor neighborhoods. Blend in and see in what conditions people there have to live in.

If you cant even feed your born children, dress them and provide them with a proper education, what sense is there in having another? The old idea that were 3 eat, 4 can sit, has died a long time ago. In order to progress in life, you need health care, a good family environment, and decent education. Bringing another member to the family, as harsh as this may seem, it’s not just another mouth to feed. It requires a lot more resources than that to give that person a healthy beginning in life, and a chance to be professionally competitive later on. What is happening is that this kids will grow up in lousy conditions, hurting from the beginning, and having no perspectives in one day getting out of the though neighborhood, lead an honest life and having their own healthy family. They will carry too many traumas for that, having felt outsiders in their own country, left out by their own people. What sane mother would want that for a son?

Social services exist, and that’s one of the main reasons of the people against abortion advocate. Easy to talk about what you don’t know. How many have seen the conditions those places offer? Do we as a society really provide a way out thru those institutions?

Also, I can’t forget that mega scandals related to pedophilia have hit the courts, relating at least one of the most prestigious institutions. Things aren’t still fully disclosed, but smoke doesn’t come without fire, unless you use dry ice.

This particular scandal made the nation feel nauseous, and after some 30 years of attempts, it finally came to the court stand, were it lies for some years now, involving some of the most respected figures of society, that apparently found young male kids asses a delicacy.

So, in the end, these institutions function as… chicken farms? And periodically we take some to the slaughter house to feed the rich perverts that pay enormous amounts of money for the privilege of eating a forbidden fruit in total secrecy? I find this so called humanity a perfect joke, that was never funny at any point.

As long as we can’t provide a safe and healthy future for the children that cant be looked after by their families, we have no right to act all moralist. No mother or father would want to pass the chance to have another son as long as they had a sufficient economic condition.

Do we really want to give the right to a life that might be profoundly filled by frustration, rejection, hate, anger and other traumas? It really is easy to be a boss in other people’s houses.

Music has been much of my inspiration in a lot of subjects over which I sometimes think about. One in particular hits the spot in this matter, although I’m not aware if it was written based on the same problem. Here it is, it’s quite famous for many, but some may not have paid enough attention to the lyrics:

Metallica – Until it sleeps

Where do I take this pain of mine

I run but it stays right by my side

So tear me open and pour me out

There’s things inside that scream and shout

And the pain still hates me

So hold me until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like the stray

You feed it once and now it stays

Now it stays

So tear me open but beware

There’s things inside without a care

And the dirt still stains me

So wash me until I’m clean

It grips you so hold me

It stains you so hold me

It hates you so hold me

It holds you so hold me

Until it sleeps

So tell me why you’ve chosen me

Don’t want your grip

Don’t want your greed

Don’t want it

I’ll tear me open make you gone

No more can you hurt anyone

And the fear still shakes me

So hold me, until it sleeps

It grips you so hold me

It stains you so hold me

It hates you so hold me

It holds you, holds you holds you until it sleeps

I don’t want it want it want it want it want it

No

So tear me open but beware

There’s things inside without a care

And the dirt still stains me

So wash me ‘til I’m clean

I’ll tear thee open make you gone

No longer will you hurt anyone

And the hate still shapes me

So hold me until it sleeps

Once upon a time in the West

I must had been a teenager when Dire Straits released this song. Nothing much about it. It has Knopfler’s magic touch in the guitar, a nice rhythm, but that’s about how far it goes. It was never one of my all time favorites.

Thing is, not everything or everybody can be exceptional. Real remarkable things or persons get to be seen like that because they rise above of the common. Still, the common is what keeps us in a day-by-day basis.

It’s common to hear this phrase: “Xmas should be everyday”. Couldn’t disagree more. Xmas is a special occasion precisely because we have it once a year. Of the 356 days, only one is formally dedicated to that festivity that in the modern days has too many strings attached to it, but still, families gather and that’s what it’s all about.

We should all be disciplined enough to limit special things in our lives, and have them on special occasions. Turning them into a routine strips them from that special character. They become common, and pretty soon dull.

You can extent that to all things in your life. A malt whisky, a sports car, a good movie, night out’s, that special someone…

Sticking to the last example, let’s try and foresee what happens when you consume a person in excessive doses. This is no surprise to many, but some may sometimes forget it.

Imagine you have a neighbor that’s excessively friendly. You even like the guy, think he is OK, but he starts coming around one time too often. Any excuse is a good one to knock on your door. Never mind his or her motives, you start getting tired of that. Soon enough you can’t do anything in your life, just to attend to that person’s solicitations.

Now, imagine this happening with your better half. Suffocating is an understatement.

No matter what our needs are, we should always limit some of our impulses and think on the other persons needs too. The first time I knock on her door I might get a kiss, but by the tenth time that day, I’ll be lucky if she doesn’t unleash the dogs on me. Giving breathing room is what it’s all about. I much ratter receiving a smile and a kiss from a girlfriend than making out with her Pit Bull.

Back to the songs, everybody has it’s favorites. Songs that we love, and that touches in deep. Some tickle that dancing vein we have inside and gets us jumping, others makes you want to lie on the sofa with a nice drink and just relax. If you abuse that pleasure, you will start to get fed up with it, later on nauseous, and finally scream out loud “will someone please get me out of this?”

So what starts as a well intended pleasure, will eventually turn into something kind of ugly. And why? You abused it. Lack of discipline in consumption.

By now some have already crucified me and are getting the cross up so I can be on public display, but hold on a sec. Even thou you might be in love, and want to spend every waking moment with that someone, that doesn’t mean that it’s what you need. You see, many times what you need and what you want are two different things. And if you like that person for real, and want to be with her, what you want is to be together, but what you need is to make her feel comfortable with you and not scare her off. I’ve seen that happen so many times I’ve lost count.

This is why the common things play an important part in everyday life. I have some very nice restaurants near my place. I can take a girl there and make it special. But if I do it every night, in spite of costing me a fortune, it will lose that special character, and one night she will probably even ask me to just stay at home.

Same with music. Hear it too many times, and you will eventually burn out some fantastic songs. Keep it short and it will always be special. Too short however, and life will be tasteless. Fill in the gaps with things that are just OK, and you will be fine. Take pleasure in the little things. Many times they are the most important.

Latin men still have some trouble in knowing that sometimes, a woman will prefer to have a listener than a hot lover. Just don’t overdo it, OK? They still like to party in bed. But the point is, life cant be filled by just one great thing. We need diversity to fit every mood we have. Staying in sync with someone is to listen to silent words, interpret a look, reading body language. And that any average Joe can do. All you have to do is pay attention.

Happy 2007