Fear of the Dark

Inside each of us there is a fear of some kind of dark. It seems no one stops needing some sort of night light. You may take this to the letter, but you can also extrapolate and find what lurks inside your personal darkness.

At times, it might be yourself. What happens when we are the scariest thing under the bed?

Well, we all have characteristics that we don't like, or bad times in which we can't be at our best. We can then show that inner beast, even if it's only to ourselves. It slowly comes out of the shadows and devours us without asking.

In spite of every scare we might catch with that beast, it generally disappears when the light comes, or better yet, transforms itself.

Remember the Japanese shadows theater? The image projected can be of many different forms, but in reality, it's still two hands articulating fingers. What I mean by this is, even that beast is still made from us, only altered by the way we articulate ourselves. The casted shadow can sometimes be really scary, to us and to others.

Life can sometimes brake or bend us. What happens is that if we aren't standing tall and proud, our shadow will be transformed into something else, and those who look only to the shadow won't recognize us. Those that look at us directly will never cease to see us for who we are, no matter how battered we've been. The natural reaction for any animal is to fight back when attacked. A cute dog with puppy eyes can also show some sharp teeth.

I haven't seen eternal night so far, so, no matter how scary my shadow might be, I'm confident that daylight will come eventually and change my shadow back to normal.

The night feels long and cold, but midnight has passed already. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm getting there.

Skidmarks

It’s been a while since I’ve been drawn to the conclusion that things rarely go wrong because people don’t know what they are doing. Most often, bad management exists because someone is making some sort of profit with it.

It might be an economical gain, but it can also be the bloating of the ego, or simply the maintenance of a job. In this specific case I’m referring to, it’s a mix of these three reasons. I have someone in charge that doesn’t know squat about the process, and is not interested in finding out how things are done, or what difficulties people go thru to keep the company afloat. Basically, all that matters is that people look busy, even if you are only grinding coffee (coffee is far from being our business).

Also, that person presents the worst ability I’ve ever seen in dealing with people, much less with subordinates. So, eventually, the person in charge found out that being this kind of boss as let her out of the team. People scatter whenever she is spotted in the vicinities, avoid talking to her, and lie as much as possible to keep from getting into futile discussions over the most stupid reasons.

Both the “qualities” mentioned above have led to a state of confusion, which originates stress. Time for the shouting to begin. Emotional derange takes over, and the day is ruined for at least two persons (no one sane fights alone), even if it happens at 09.00 am, the start of the work journey.

As a consequence, we achieve poor results. People long for the end of the day so they can escape from the claws of this place and it’s appointed executioner. Injustices are frequent, no matter how good you are, or whatever effort you make for the company, you are still worth less than in day one.

Quality, of course, fails. Any new procedure or tool destined to bring any light into the process is doomed to failure as well. As long as confusion reigns, there is an illusion of control and power. No one else can understand how things work because there is at least one person injecting as much noise as possible, and latter filtering the information the way she finds that serves her best interests.

It’s not a surprise that good elements either throw the towel and surrender to keep their jobs, or leave at some point. We now have a nice selection of crap, with some stubborn elements that refuse to give in, or give up. And this is how lucky this boss is, these stubborn few keep things going with some logic. We might say they are the ABS and traction control that compensate for this crazy driver’s bad skills and lunacy.

We could all have a smooth ride, but looking back all we see are skidmarks, and the tires are getting worn out.

After passing by some companies that had dialoging bosses instead of screaming berserkers, it’s a low point in my professional path. My kingdom for a good company, with rational and emotionally intelligent people. I’m sick and tired of stupidity. And I’m getting tired of being sick and tired.

Somebody needs me

This is a feeling that I’ve waited for so long, and now that it’s here, it seems strangely new, although it shouldn’t.

I have today somebody that needs me, and I’m quite happy do be able to do for her what she says is more than enough. That’s what she says, anyway. Inside, I don’t believe that this is all that I can do for her. I want to see this woman exhilarate, have a happier smile everyday, and cuddle with me every time we have the chance.

I worry about every little thing about her, over her projects, over her happiness. I’m committed to this woman as I have never been with any other before. And no matter how many times I tell her, she doesn’t seem to believe that she makes me happy. I’m brought to my knees by the shear tender of her heart, her beautiful smile and her soft touch.

The way she kisses me shows me how much she cares, makes me feel loved. And right now, she needs my help and understanding, my support and every bit of a man I can be.

If I have to, I’ll reinvent myself for her. Not because she asks me to, because I feel the need to be by her side anyway I can. Her heart guides mine. I believe in her. This is my woman.

I could call sacrifice to that reinvention, but in truth it isn’t. It’s what gets commanded by something inside. I’m here for you honey. And I will be with you for as long as you’ll have me. Just keep smiling at me.

I’ll get there

Funny how even a short week seems painful. This Friday is a holyday and in spite of having to come and face this job for four days only this week, it still feels crappy.

But I’m enduring this trial. And I will make it somehow. I will manage to get out of this place, and rub it in the face of those that treat me below dirt professional wise.

Revenge is served on a cold platter, right? So this one might be worth the wait.

It’s a bitch when you know for a fact that you perform a good job, let no one down, and still get treated as if you where an irresponsible child. I’ve had it, no more mister nice guy.

As long as I’m here, I’ll keep doing my job with the same kind of dedication as before. I just won’t sacrifice even an ounce of what I did earlier. It will be ready when I say it is, and not a moment sooner. Any trouble will be thoroughly documented. Every equipment shall be dealt with utmost care. And the time taken will be proportional.

The dragon can fly both high and low, and even though it fly’s through the night right now, eventually the Sun will come up and it’s scales will shine with the morning rays.

It carries a heart inside, that is filled with love for an amazing woman that makes it believe that any effort is worthy.

The day will come when it will burn the house down with it’s fire breath. ‘Till that day, it’s time to take a little nap in the dragon’s lair.

Another one of those days

Some times you come to the end of the week and it just feels like it was another one of days. It was shitty as hell, not much work to do and still I felt like doing nothing. It’s partly due to the expectation of finding another job and getting out of a place that means nothing to me, gives me no chance to evolve, and waiting for September to come, when the job market opens again. Plus, I need to make more money, so this is a not a whim. I have all the reasons in the world to start in a new place.

Decompressing today is not an easy thing to accomplish. I’m faced with the fundamental problem of any economist. To meet unlimited needs with limited resources. How I can manage this is a bit of a puzzle.

Anyway, I also need to get back to robotics and automation, so a job in that field would be heaven. This is not easy, because the market is not what I expected to be, and companies aren’t too keen in paying decent wages.

So I decided to do the best thing I could think of. Sit back and enjoy a beer with a mild cigar while I wrote this and let my mind ease up.

I’m facing the street in front of my home, gazing at Friday’s traffic and the people walking by, each minding their own business, and I find myself thinking on how many of them have worst problems than mine. Although I think of this country as having a chaotic way of functioning, things always seem to work out some how. Any foreigner of a first world country would go insane trying to understand how we manage to get by, but when it’s a cultural base to act like this, everyone knows what buttons to push and strings to pull.

I often think of getting out of here and make a living in some other place, but today there is a doubt in my mind. Can I make my most deep roots in Portugal? Fact is, this is a great place to live if you have enough money. Just about any rule can be bent and you can make your reality happen through the weight of the mighty Euro. With money anything is possible, and that’s not true here alone. That can happen anywhere. So the question is… can I make enough money here? And how the fuck can I do that? I have good qualifications, my skills need only a place to be tested. Where do I do that?

I try to make myself acquainted to the companies that matter the most, but still lady luck has thrown only bones at me. Where’s the beef? And no, I’m not sitting on my ass trying to get a break. I really try to get ahead.

To tell you the truth, this isn’t a day to get conclusions. This might just be a day to relax.

Wantings

Ain’t life a bitch? What do you do when you want something that is near you but you just can’t grab it?

To dream is every fool’s right, and they usually use it. Frequently I feel like a proud member of that group of nutcases.

Oscillating between feelings of ecstasy and frustration, life is moving on. It seems that a river always knows where to flow, so I might as well forget about worries. Yeah right, and who can do that for a fact?

The problem with old dreams, is that you have allowed to believe them so many times, it gets easier to get back to them, and more painful to set them aside every time it happens.

What do you do when your heart is home for a tiger that yearns to leap ahead and grab it’s prey? A hunter’s instincts can be eased some times, but not forever. Something inside seeks to rebel.

Freedom is seldom the same for everybody. What might seem like a prison to many, proves to be paradise to others. Some seek it in places they visit, some in possessions, and others inside themselves. Lack of diversity however, leads to a momentary satisfaction that ends in a sense of emptiness. No matter how much you like something, everyone gets bored of the same old same old.

So right now, what is it that I need? It’s always a simple question with a complex answer. It’s clear that I want to fly close to the stratosphere, as high as thin air will allow me. I know damn well that not everyone can breathe up there, and it takes a lot of effort to maintain flight in such altitudes. Reason might tell me that it’s safer and easier to lay low and keep it going in the middle of the flock. The heart thou… it lives elsewhere.

I think that my most pure dreams will live on with me for years, and I will come to them over and over again, until one day I can make them happen, or die trying. Some other goals will be accomplished meanwhile, but it seems that they will always be clouded by what I really want for myself.

I don’t seek to have beamers, a beach house in some island in the pacific, travel to the four corners of the world and all the other things that most people want if they ever get rich. I am dedicated to improve the life conditions of my fellow man. My brand in this world shall be to do for others what they can’t do for themselves.

Everything else does not fall second, but I feel that if this doesn’t happen, then nothing else will taste as good, life will be dull flavored.

Have a Heart

Has Aerosmith say in their song, “…it’s amazing…”

When you struggle to get ahead, and make your team win the prize, there are always those who slack and just pretend to be pushing the band wagon.

I’m witnessing a curious phenomenon. People that want to keep earning money, but don’t strive to do better, work as individuals instead of performing team work, and still bitch about any change or complaint directed to them.

People really don’t like having their cheese moved. And why is that? It’s easier to function that way. You store every aspect of that part of your life into mental drawers and cease thinking. Things become mechanical, and even if your work is done in an inefficient way, you don’t give a crap, as long as you can save your brain cells and babble about the current soap opera, the neighbor that is cheating her husband, the price tag of the milk carton, or the latest show you attended.

In fact, my conclusion is that these people don’t actually act unprofessionally due to evilness, but rather due to having too many problems in their minds. Work becomes the refuge for the family problems, their life’s realities. I can relate to that better than you might think.

Still, we are getting paid to do a job, as good as we can, and if you can’t think of better ways of doing it, then why stall those that are trying to improve work conditions and achieve better overall quality? Why resist changing for the better?

In the mist of confusion, people get a certain sense of protection and control. They feel that they can control a part of the process, and I believe that for that reason, they resist giving up that fantasy. Many show that they need to feel they have some power in their hands, and those are the ones that bitch the most.

What really happens is that a company must satisfy their costumers. Otherwise, they will move on, and we will be left with nothing but bills to pay. And salaries tend to be the last priority. Meeting the costumers expectations is not enough anymore. We need to be creative, get involved with the client’s process and even suggest some improvements. Some of them might not even be of the client’s knowledge. So by helping it improve, we gain it’s trust, and more work will follow, if possible. If the client for some reason doesn’t stick with us, if it got a good impression of our work, it will be an ambassador for our quality. How is that bad?

Doing the right thing means that we must apply our efforts for improvement in the field we can make a difference… our own job. No one knows it better than the person who does it, so no one can talk about it with more authority. It’s not up to the team leader, he or she can’t see everything (but can still see enough to kick your ass). It’s up to each and every one of us to think as a whole, and not as an individual. To make whatever possible effort to boost the team’s performance. The team wins, we all win. The total of the teams win, the company wins.

People think too fast about compensations for their work. They should always do 110% before thinking of any kind of material reward. Do it for themselves first.

The thing is, if you prove yourself and your boss doesn’t recognize it, he will have lost a valuable member of the team. Why? Because others will be interested in you, and probably will be paying more for your services. Creating a reputation of a competent employee is also good. If you get sacked due to bankruptcy or staff reduction, you will get a job easily.

So think of your career. Think of your competence. Think of getting better everyday and making more money for you and your family. Evolution means making more in less time. Make yourself so perfect and necessary to any employer that if you need to earn more, he or she will think twice before letting you go to the competition.

Plus, your primary demands should always be working conditions. Face it, they are less prone to giving you a raise to keep you, than to buy better tools, improving the ergonomics of the work stations or safety conditions. Especially if it’s a certified company, with certain standards to meet.

Avoid asking for a day off. Instead, ask for better work conditions. Training if you need it. Be the first to share knowledge with your team, help them out. Expect nothing in return except for an increase in competence and teamwork. Your reward… knowledge and experience. With that, you can further negotiate your income.

If by any chance you feel dissatisfied at your current job, seek for a better one, but keep excelling at what you are doing. Never show lack of professionalism. You are still getting paid, and you still have your word to honor, remember that. The greatest slap you can throw at anyone’s face is to be flawless as much as possible.

I still fail to see the logic in resilient people’s minds. Not wanting to improve, not wanting to work in a competitive company, not wanting to leave a legacy. All they excel at is bitching. I hope they change their minds and embrace the reality they stubbornly insist in not seeing. Because getting sacked at 50 is not a pleasant scenario.

Now, how is this not amazing? It can all be explained by the general theory of human stupidity. It’s not the brightest or the most competent that survive. It’s those who adapt to the incoming changes the best. This is truly survival of the fittest.

What if I don’t make it?

Follow your heart and soon you might find yourself in a leap of faith. I know I have, and fortunately I’m not alone in this. Shit happens when you doubt if you will make it while in mid air.

Who can say that this has never happened to them? Not doubting at all is not blind faith, it’s stupidity. Not even the most fanatical believer can escape that moment when something inside makes you wonder about that “…what if…?” thing. If you get your faith back or not, it makes little difference, you can’t go back and make it all like it was before you made your move.

And maybe you just can’t make it on your own anyway. But sometimes, just sometimes… you catch a tail wind and that makes the difference between falling into the abyss or landing on the other edge.

The reason why we risk it like this is probably the same that makes us eat fat saturated food with lots of salt, get drunk, parachute out of a perfectly functional airplane or smoke a cigar. Because it tastes good, it gives you pleasure. And as long as you don’t get addicted to adrenaline, it should be ok.

Anyway, it’s nice to know that if you land flat on your face, you have someone to help you lick your wounds. So thanks for being there with, and for me. It’s like you say, it feels natural and comfortable, it’s a bitter sweet sensation that binds us. And not just now, many times in the future to come, you will be the one that I will look for to help me believe again. You are the best partner I could ask for. Crazy enough to stick with me, sound enough to call me to reason, brave enough to face me when I’m wrong, sensitive enough to know when to stop. My 90%, as a friend once said, you are my right kind of wrong.

It will take a lot of effort to reach our goals. I think we both can make it. Forgive me for sometimes doubting, and thanks for being my tail wind. There are still a lot of things that scare me. I seem to be different from most people, I tend to fear the easy and embrace the hard passionately. It’s like some projects are too easy to be worth taking the time for them. Great doings are made out of small things, so those projects are necessary too. And you are the right person to help me to change in that way.

Tell you something, the thing I want the most is to work with you. Put our skills together and see what comes out of it. At some point, I don’t want to have a tail wind anymore. I will want to know what it feels like to be jumping with you.

Being supportive

Finding someone can sometimes be a bit difficult. Once you do, it’s almost like a cat that catches it’s first mouse. The desire was there, but now that you caught it, what do you do with it?

For starters, do what you where doing before, when you where trying to catch the mouse. If something inside told you to act like that, move in a certain way, and that mouse felt like the best thing in the world, then it probably is.

I found that a lot of couples change after a little while. People usually complaint about how things got dull, or that the spouse has changed and the “magic” has gone. That can always happen, and more likely if you pretend to be someone you’re not, to conquer your better half. No one can fake forever, and eventually you get tired of it and show your true self. On the contrary, honesty always pays.

Do you know what you can give anyone that surpasses any gift? Support. People’s dreams are the most important things to them. Forget about the motives; never mind what they do to get there. They aren’t any less important because of that.

So, if you feel it’s right, give them a helping hand in achieving their dreams. Think about it, dreams where what brought the world to this point, and will keep taking us forward. Sure we have screwed up some times, but the willpower, the effort and sacrifice taken to get into the shit hole are our best weapons to get out of it.

None of us are perfect, and still we demand that from others while finding excuses for our little flaws. Generally we are all jackasses when our own private world gets ticked. There is always an excuse to why our vices can exist and sustain our way of life, and still we demand cleanness and purity from everyone around us. Could that be so that we can forget about our own faults? Demand purity so that we can forget about our impurity and hopefully it rubs in?

Failing is a natural part of the learning process. It shouldn’t be encouraged, but it must be accepted as a normal thing. However, each of us deals with failure in a different way.

Time has proven to be the best teacher in my life. Age too. I’ve learned to deal better with pressure and to make good use of stress. My best interest right now is to live life as quietly as possible, with some adrenaline peaks now and then to feel the blood rushing thru my veins. Respect for others came when I learned that I deserved my own respect too. No matter how many strolls you take towards others, it’s when I come home, to myself, that the experience gathered proves worthy and life gets richer and more worth living.

One of my toughest battles was how to make use of my abilities. I’m no wiz, but I’m aware of my potential, and I always have been. Not being able to put that to good use was one of my biggest frustrations. It’s like living in a maze. You know where you want to go, but have no clue on how to get there. Feeling time flying by me and accomplishing nothing was stressful enough, not counting on all other problems that the average human being has. That’s when I learned the importance of having someone that is supportive and that helps you start and to overcome some obstacles.

Cooling down and realizing that everything has it’s own time and place to happen was almost like a revelation. It might seem so stupid and evident, and still, to cross that bridge it took me almost 30 years. Better late than never, I guess.

At this point I’m involved in what seems to be a possible beginning to my professional dream. Stress is a part of my profession, and dealing with it is getting easier, although sometimes I forget momentarily some of life’s lessons.

I’m too active to stop, and sometimes to slow down, so my breaks are taken in helping others in a way I needed others to help me before. I chose to be supportive.

Orgasms are found in many forms, not only in sex. That’s why I claimed that fulfilling your dreams is the most important thing in your life. Weather it’s a profession, a private project, a hobby, leisure time, having kids… whatever suits you best. And meeting those goals can be as good as a sexual orgasm. In fact, frustration over those dreams can prevent you even from having satisfying sex.

I told a friend one of this days that my life is filled with ugly ducklings. As I write this post I realize that this is a half truth. You see, some of them have changed into beautiful swans before my eyes, with the help of their friends.

Don’t be afraid to give. Forget about giving back, just give. Take the first step expecting nothing in return. Help people around you to fulfill their dreams. As they become happy about themselves, you become happy too. Isolation is a path that leads to loneliness and eventually you will reach your limits. Even a genie is limited by it’s life time. So why fulfill only one dream if you obviously have some many more? Accept your friends help, get ahead of your limitations and be more than you can be by yourself. Can you guess this feelings name?

Facing Life

No matter how much money you have, some things money can’t buy. It helps like hell having it thou.

What’s inside of you can’t be changed thru money, unless it’s some illness that medicine has mastered. But what I’m really talking about, is an inner journey.

Unlike the common existential crisis most of us seem to have while teenagers, in which we try to force the acceptance of ourselves in the world by pushing others aside, achieving inner peace and calmly watching the world around us is much more about going with the flow. You row your own boat, decide were you want to go, but if you mean to head down the river, there is no point in rowing upstream.

Some friends of mine are going thru some difficulties. It has always been my nature to help my friends, and even some that aren’t friends. One in particular deserves my special attention right now.

Having tried to reach him, I found this guy in the loneliest place I can think of. Inside himself. He shut out the world and protected himself from harm. A world of his creation was built in his mind, especially for his own needs, adjusted to protect his weak spots. And right now, they where all around.

I was there myself, at the age of 15. The world was just too confusing to live in, and so, I created my own world, with rules I could understand and live by. So I know the type of hell he got himself into. I’m a bit like the main character in the movie “Constantine”. If you haven’t seen it, get to it. It’s a must. I’m not going to tell you the whole story. All you need to know right now is that Constantine can walk in both worlds, ours and Hell. Having his own problems, which he cant solve, he seeks redemption by helping others. He expels demons from Earth and rescues lost souls from Hell. I guess we all have a mission in life.

I’m not sure of the exact rules of my friend’s personal world, but I am aware of the type of rules. This means that I can walk thru white hot charcoal and not get burned… much.

I believe that my friend has 2 problems, and they are the exact problems that Constantine fixed. A demon that must be expelled, and a soul that needs to be rescued. I’ve seen signs of both.

I went out with him recently, and his soul showed me a glimmer. It’s an amazing feeling when you see someone that has been lost inside himself gets that glow in the eyes when he feels he has accomplished something. His soul is there, intact, pure has mountain water. He just needs to be brought back.

You could ask why do I do this. Everyone else seems so tangled in their own lives, too busy to lay a helping hand. Well, let me tell you. The world can’t afford to lose someone like him. It’s people like him that keep this ugly reality we live in bearable. It’s people like him that shows the way to hope. So, my world, and yours would be much poorer without him. That’s why he needs to get back from that Hell he got himself into.

I could carry him back, but that isn’t the right thing to do. He has his own battle to win, which will leave scars. Those scars will be his medals. I’m sure that he can make it on its own. Perhaps all he needs is someone to point him the way out.

Thanks for that sign of hope you gave me kid. I was doing this on an act of faith. Right now, I have something real in which to believe. You are still with us, just in another dimension. Come back home, your friends are waiting with open arms.

Master of the Wind

When I was a kid, sitting in front of the TV was one of my main activities. I used to watch a lot of wild life documentaries, which I don’t anymore, since they all look ancient news to me.

I remember distinctly one about an amazing bird called the albatross. If I tell you I was impressed, that’s an understatement. The albatross can fly further and with less effort than any other bird in the world. It does that by taking advantage of the shape of it’s body, but also it’s ability to master the wind currents.

Apart from taking off, you rarely see an albatross flap it’s wings. It knows how not to need it. When in the air, this creature becomes one with the space and the surrounding forces. Unlike other birds, the albatross doesn’t fight against what surrounds, it takes advantage of the main forces and adjusts them to it’s needs.

The title might be misleading to some. The albatross doesn’t command the winds, but ratter knows how to recognize them. Knowledge is your greatest asset. It’s what allows you to use your intelligence and decide what to do next.

Seeing this bird fly is one of the most relaxing things you can do. Straight, assertive, the albatross doesn’t seem to make mistakes. In it’s very calm way, it flies where it wants. No sorrows, no turning back, every change in it’s flight is as wide as possible, so it doesn’t waste energy. It’s secret… the albatross takes the easy path. It doesn’t fight off the nature of the winds, which are too strong for it’s frail wings.

We should all learn a lesson from the wise albatross. Humans are poorly built too. Body and mind are weak, and should be cared for. Stress in our lives can be like the wind to the albatross. Don’t fight the flow, that would be like running against the bulls in Pamplona. If you want to be effective like the albatross, redirect the flow instead of trying to stop it. You will stay in the air much longer, with fewer concerns and live a much happier life.

Mastering the winds will enable you to look ahead to long term goals, decide what you want for yourself and actually have the energy to do it.

Even a storm will have main flows of energy. Chose wisely and get on board of one. Even if it’s not perfect (nothing ever seems to be), you can make use of your little force to redirect it a little to meet your dreams. If you fail, well, you’ve got the best ride there is.

Maybe your dreams were a bit too far ahead for the world you were born in. Don’t worry about that. Try not to be so selfish that everything has to be you and about you. If life brings you 90% happiness, please don’t focus on the last 10%. Enjoy what you’ve got. Count your blessings and you may realize that you are actually much luckier than you thought.

On your journey thru life, inspire others. Some people are a bit like comets. They pass us by in a blaze. Set us on fire and disappear with the blink of an eye. They still can leave a lasting impression. Make that impression a good one. Let others learn from your mistakes, even if your home is where you hang your coat. Even if you have the soul of an albatross, while you fly by, someone might see you and realize something important about how to have an easier flight.

Master the winds by mastering yourself first. Search within for the right questions to ask.

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

The hollies released a song a long time ago with this title. Recently I’ve rediscovered it, and once again I’ve started thinking. Pay good attention to the lyrics, it’s worth it.

I know that many days when you get up in the morning, you just feel like going back to bed, or cursing everyone and everything around you. No matter what might happen that day, you always have a good chance to discover the unexpected.

You never know what will happen, who you will meet. Sometimes it might be a jerk or a bitch, but others you might find a good friend. And friends might even become very good friends.

We live in a world that tries it’s best to push us in going faster and further, creating such a huge pressure that sometimes a warrior can’t stand it and falls on it’s knees. That warrior might be you or me, or someone else. And the name of the game is everyone for itself. You guessed it wrong.

It was about 3 years now, that one of the best teachers I’ve had so far told me that “when in a tight spot, friends are what gets you by”. That sentence still knocks on the back of my mind from time to time. It was an instant life lesson when I needed it.

Throughout my life, I’ve met some friends in unsuspecting days. Those where the best friendships I’ve made so far, most still last. And all it took was to reach out to them with an open heart. Or let them discover who I am.

Over the years, some very complicated issues have happened to me, in which I went down to the bottom of the pit. A friend eventually helped me up. Other times I’ve been there for others, and my only reward was a smile, which was more than enough. And that has been both the best use of my free time, and a way to sometimes let aside my personal and complicated problems while I was unable to handle them.

When you help out a friend, that is never a burden. Some friends are more than brothers. If you would do that for a brother, and it wouldn’t feel heavy, why not for a good friend?

Helping out those in need isn’t always about lending money or solving some legal issue, or even helping someone get a job. Some times, helping someone to smile is a bigger achievement than all the rest. Help someone to rediscover the surrounding beauty in nature, the gift of life. Do it freely, expecting no reward. Spend some of your free time with your friends, whether they need help or not.

Karma was a word taught to me by a friend. Not knowing, I always practiced it from the start. Do good, and eventually it will come back to you. One thing I can promise you, your life will feel much more fulfilled. As years go by, you will look back and find a trail of love behind you, with friends by your side.

So keep in your mind, he ain’t heavy, he’s your brother.

Being a hero

To how many people do we try to be heroes in our lives? Right now they aren’t many, but they have been over the years. It’s been some years since I realized that heroes pass us by in the street and we don’t even know it. They are not mediatic, the TV and the newspapers don’t talk about them. Still, they are there, day in and day out. So how do we tell who they are?

Lets start looking in our own houses. Real heroes are usually shy and don’t do stunts for public display. They do something better. Instead of one time achievements that hit the tabloids, they keep it real every day. You see, the real heroes are the ones that stand by you thru thick and thin.

You can tell someone is a hero when that person hangs in a shitty job to keep all the bills in order. Or gives up a dream to stand by you. A hero will never let any loved one hurt, even if it hurts him more. Heroes are people that lead a live based on love, and sacrifice a lot do give a little bit. Still, a hero will never throw it in your face. Perhaps you have a hero in your own home, or you are one yourself.

No matter how unselfish you are, it will hurt sometimes when you feel that people don’t appreciate your efforts or fall back on your expectations. You give it all for someone and sometimes that someone doesn’t realize that luck has knocked at his door. But a hero seldom complains, because the actions and sacrifices taken were from the bottom of the heart.

Loving parents know this. The sacrifices that they do everyday show that a smile from their child is sometimes a better reward than risking in going after a professional dream, or giving themselves a treat, like a sports car, a better house or brand clothes.

Now humans are building bugs. Either a family or a career, most of us have to build something. And sometimes, going after one is incompatible with the pursue of the other.

Grownups can handle most anything, and they have the structure to cope with disappointment. If you are being a hero to a child, never promise anything that you can’t do. After the first broken promise, it will be easy to just keep going on, thinking that they will understand and that you can make it up later. That won’t happen. Children will forgive you, but they wont forget. Constant disappointments from the people they thrust the most will leave scars throughout life.

Whenever you bet on one way or the other, make sure you take it serious. If you chose to have a career, bet on it heavily. When it’s time to start your family, never fail them. Make sure you get down on the dirt with the kids, participate in each other activities and spend time together. We can all be heroes, and in more ways than one.

Believe me, for instant actions, most of the time you cant tell if someone was brave or just stupid. Continuity in making an effort for someone else’s happiness, that’s what I call courage. Only love will make you keep going, forgiving and being forgiven. Respect however, will make you go that extra mile not to hurt the one’s you love.

Friends are all that matters

Last Saturday night I was honored with the invitation for a friend’s birthday party.

I didn’t knew most of the people there, but everyone was so friendly and easy going, that I felt mostly among friends.

Dinner has rather fun, with some nice ladies there, loads of jokes and some pranks too. But the best part was yet to come. One of the pranks involved a plucked chicken that I took there, and served on a plate to a friend. This was on account of a private joke that happened some years ago, and is still famous.

Some compliments were exchanged between me and that guy, and believe me, in spite of being a jokester and a prank lover, I would be insane to compete against him. That guy is positively nuts and has absolutely no moral barriers in what he can say or do. Never the less, he is responsible and I have never heard of him toying with anyone’s safety or feelings.

Thing is, that chicken got more than it bargained for. Not only it was a revival of some shocking memories, but it led to something completely unexpected. I traded it for the waitress phone number. That’s right folks, a chicken for a number. It happened to me, and I still cant believe it. I paid around 2,5€ for that chicken, had a good laugh and later recycled it by trading it for a way to connect to a hot waitress. Not bad, huh?

After we left the restaurant, we went on to a bar. There was a band playing, and we joined in with the crowd, singing our lungs out and dancing like there was no tomorrow.

We sang Happy Birthday to Bruno, and lifted him up in the air. Now that was special. That’s when you can tell that someone is lucky enough to have friends that are there for you at all times. And recently, he was there for me. We don’t thank each other anymore. This kind of friendship doesn’t need that. We just give back went it’s time to help each other out.

In the middle of the night, you sometimes see people slow down and get that empty look in the eyes. You can distinctly tell that all is not ok with them, and sometimes you force yourself into a mood change not to ruin other people’s party. I must had been one of those empty eyes at some point, and I saw some others there too. I guess everyone has it’s own problems. But when you get together to celebrate the birthday of a friend like this, all is left behind.

There was one other thing that impressed me more than anything, and it happened during dinner. The way that Bruno’s sister looked out for her other brother. You can sense when love is in the air, whatever kind of love it is. Complicity and tenderness was what I felt from the outside. Sensitivity let’s you know this kind of stuff. I owe that to the women in my life.

There really are much more elegant ways to life than reacting with a hot head and loosing your patience. And there it was, the proof that my thoughts were correct.

I must congratulate this set of brothers. From one I gained a friendship that is unique so far. Not so much because of being someone so special that he can stand out in any crowd. He came around in the precise moment I needed a friend the most, and stood by me. Protected his space, respected himself and took no crap from me, even when I pushed people away due to the massive frustration I felt in my life and the way I was being screwed.

I applauded his courage in pursuing the love he felt once for someone that was very special to him. Even thou I knew the real reasons he had for leaving his country, family and friends, my hug and best whishes were given to him. When he came back, I welcomed home a man that had the maturity to realize that the quest he took was for a grail that didn’t existed anymore.

For all this and much more, this post is an homage to a friend that with his soft ways made me understand that rage and frustration leads only to self destruction. This was a friend that rescued my soul and helped me understand how I can help others too. I tend to need someone like this from time to time. I can only hope this time was the last, and if not, I will be a lucky man if a friend like him comes around when I need it again.

We should always let people know how important they are to those that surround them before it’s too late. I intend to do that every day with those I come across in my path.

You’ve got a good angle on life kid. Hope I can measure up to your example.

Domo arigato gozai masta Bruno san.

The right to be ambitious

I was always a dreamer. My hobbies as a child was watching TV and building stuff with LEGO (thank you, oh thank you Mr. Ole Christiansen). I was an early reader as well. By the time I was 7, I had read Louis Pasteur’s biography, was able to read 2 books intended for children per day, was fascinated with a book about astronomy that my mother let me chose from a door to door salesman, tried to explain everything around me, and so on.

To tell you the truth, I still do most of those things nearly 25 years later. Except for the LEGO, which I replaced with some more challenging stuff. Oh, and I’ve lost patience to read huge books that rattle on about nothing just to get the story solved in the last 5 pages. What a waste of paper, and of my time.

I didn’t knew why, but the stars always fascinated me. Later I found out that the depths of the ocean did too. Physics and electronics, math… all those were absolutely fantastic. The conclusion I later came to, was that I was fascinated by anything I couldn’t directly touch. Worlds that need some elegant form to be seen, manipulated and understood.

Years went by, and I still get that glitter in my eyes whenever I sense an opportunity. I’m a child again, dreaming of the possibilities, getting everyone’s attention to that problem and trying to solve it.

Now I’ve come to a point that I can honestly say that the difference between a boy and a man is how much their toys cost. I’m starting to enter the big league, and already I aim to do something extraordinary.

I’ve always sensed ever since I was a kid that my life would be something out of the common. That’s my oldest passion. The Chinese have a saying that states “may you live in interesting times”. They also have another that has become my personal favorite “It’s better to light a candle than to curse the dark”.

I think I have both at hand. This are certainly interesting times we live in, and I keep trying to light candles. I know that it will someday necessary for me to leave Portugal in search of more. And if I can make what I want here, money wont be an issue. Just how people function. I need to see for myself if the stupid actions we take in this country are taken abroad also.

Poverty is a serious thing, but spiritual poverty is all the more grave. That depends on you. Not everyone can excel, and I don’t even think that I’m something else. I just try. I try to achieve my full potential. Having someone better than me doesn’t bother me. I feel like I’m part of a global team, that everyone has a responsibility over mankind, and we all can contribute with a little something.

Intelligence is probably our greatest asset. One of the gifts we all received when entering life. Some with more, others with less, we can all come out with new ideas and concepts, that others might even develop, but that someone had to think of.

One of the most difficult things to conquer are people. We create some of the greatest difficulties in getting ahead. That is why for me, I will get every thing I can from this country as fast as I can. Some day I will break out, carrying with me the knowledge I scraped for myself, and use it were people aren’t so near sighted. I feel it’s easier to make something for Portugal from abroad than from here.

Having vision in here is a nice way to get enemies. Most everyone hate the idea of changes. The Portuguese are so used to having little that whenever someone gets to a position that allows some changes to happen, he or she serves himself before the company or the country. Fertile ground for corruption.

I don’t want to settle down for long. Just enough to help things to change for the better, and then to head for other challenges.

Learning while I cut open my path, I will eventually get there. To be able to be in a position that allows me to give something back. That’s when I will come full circle.

Having to chose between friends

Sometimes life plays tricks on you. It’s never an easy task to have to chose between friends, but what if you really have to?

The very idea might seem appalling, and believe me, I don’t like it either. But I sometimes have been placed in that spot, and when you feel there is no way out, everything must turn practical or it’s your heart on a stick.

This really isn’t easy to explain. In the end someone always gets hurt. And selfish as it might seem, if you face life’s responsibilities towards yourself and the ones you love, no matter how much it pains you, the answer is right before you.

To get in a little deeper on the subject, this one is about people that you hold close to your heart and that disappoint you. With or without guilt, on purpose or not, those people eventually make you suffer and the shit is, you are always the common factor.

Now, some years ago I devised a strategy to prevent people from hurting me. It’s really very simple. Expect nothing from them, that way they cant disappoint you. No disappointment, no pain. This is the part you can control.

What you can’t control is when you look into someone’s eyes and Kaboom… you’ve surrendered. There is no way out, no turning back, you are there.

If that person doesn’t feel the same, you will hurt and she wont even know it. If she is bright enough, she can tell. Being friends, the last thing she will want is to hurt you. But that’s beyond her control.

So, you find yourself in an emotional crisis. What do you do? Keep in touch with that person, which is what you want the most, and see her get on with her life elsewhere? Or do you step aside and drift away, drunk with feelings that you don’t want to understand, and get on with your own life?

Now this is the part where you need to chose between friends. At that point, keep being friends with her is not compatible with being friend to yourself. Just thinking of her hurts you, not to mention talking or seeing.

Decisions like these never come easy. You reach deep into your gut, and rip out the answer. And your self-esteem came thru. Being your own friend was the way to survive. You just couldn’t bare hurting anymore and life had to go on. To many things going on, a family crisis, keeping functional at your job, deciding about what direction you want your life to head… and you plunge into work. Die to the world, find a nice cave, get in and lick your wounds until you hibernate.

Working has a mild healing effect. It’s not an all healing balm, it can’t fix some of the scars. And if you don’t stop in time, it can get addictive. But when your life seems like a deck of cards that was pushed off the table, it’s an easy solution. At least you are making some sense out of chaos and feeling that at least a part of your life is being successful.

Radical changes can really give you some sort of redemption. The advantage of a new start is that you can be as bold as you like and screw everyone else’s opinion. This was when robots came into my life. And this was when I worked the most, for the smallest pay in my life too. But you know what? It was worth it. I lost that sense of insecurity that was holding me back, and managed to look up into the sky again. And this time, there was no need for rain to hide the tears.

Volkswagen was a huge project. One that in spite of all the flaws that occurred, taught me a lot about coordination, security, team work, and I was able to see what it was like to really apply quality and management tools in a crisis situation were everyone panics. Keeping cool under pressure is nothing less than fabulous. After leaving it, more robots followed. And amazingly, they still do.

Robots are a demanding mistress. They fuck you up, drain all your energies, keep you from family and friends, but also get you to heaven in ecstasy. It’s easy to forget the rest of the world when they get under your skin. I usually forget to eat, so it shouldn’t be too hard to understand the kind of fascination. When you get bitten by the industry bug, you will know what I’m talking about.

During this period I was put to a test that I nearly didn’t came out of. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? That’s only partly true, because every battle leaves it’s scars. Anyway, I’m glad about the joint effort that this family has put into getting out of the hole. Finally, honesty, truth, hard work, tolerance and especially, a lot of love made what wasn’t there for 30 years. A family unit.

Before all this, that required me to be my friend, and keeping friend with someone that had no chance to avoid hurting me (it was out of her hands), I had to make the only possible choice. Guilt was never an issue. And if guilt existed, it was mine. But the damage was done and I needed to keep walking. So you see, sometimes when friends don’t walk the same track for some time, that doesn’t mean that they have turned their back on each other. Sometimes you just need to make it on your own.

The right to what kind of life?

Pregnancy interruption is on the Portuguese agenda once again. The society finds itself divided in matters of opinion, and a lot of talk is done, without much thinking as far as I’m aware of.

Passion rules the game, and so, people don’t reason much about this when they let their ideologies and personal feelings take charge, shutting out any other argument. From careful and respectful discussion could bring some light into this, but people don’t allow that to happen.

This is not the first time that the Portuguese are called to vote on this subject. The last referendum was actually a disgrace, since the abstinence was so high that the decision made was as far as I can see not a true image of the country’s opinion.

Two basic scenarios come to mind. People with money, and people without. The rich will always be in the clear. Spain is just a few kilometers away. Cross the border, no one knows you, get a safe and legal abortion and you can get back to the sanctity of your life with an untouched image. And all for a measly 1000€ or so. To some this is peanuts.

Then there are those with less money, but that can still afford it, or have someone that loans them the money, It’s still possible, and gets done in the same terms.

Last, of corse, come those that have no money to overcome this obstacle. Wishing to make an abortion or not, these people cant get by well in life. Pain is already a steady companion of them. Usually, birth control isn’t what they think of. Condoms are expensive, a steady couple wont want to use them anyway, and other contraceptive methods have side effects too. So every solution has it’s own faults. Nothing is perfect.

Faced with the choice to have more kids, this decision is not one that any woman can make lightly. Her body is in jeopardy, her health too, and unlike physical scars, the emotional ones will last forever. This has nothing to do with your social status, feelings are universal.

I have been in contact with some very nasty situations, and believe me, no matter what kind of decision you make, suffering is on the way if you are poor. Unfortunately that is the majority of society.

I’ve heard many talk about the responsibility of the life on the way. I hear nothing about the responsibility of the lives that already where born. A family with 4 or 5 kids and no financial resources isn’t uncommon. Leave your Mercedes at home and take a walk on the poor neighborhoods. Blend in and see in what conditions people there have to live in.

If you cant even feed your born children, dress them and provide them with a proper education, what sense is there in having another? The old idea that were 3 eat, 4 can sit, has died a long time ago. In order to progress in life, you need health care, a good family environment, and decent education. Bringing another member to the family, as harsh as this may seem, it’s not just another mouth to feed. It requires a lot more resources than that to give that person a healthy beginning in life, and a chance to be professionally competitive later on. What is happening is that this kids will grow up in lousy conditions, hurting from the beginning, and having no perspectives in one day getting out of the though neighborhood, lead an honest life and having their own healthy family. They will carry too many traumas for that, having felt outsiders in their own country, left out by their own people. What sane mother would want that for a son?

Social services exist, and that’s one of the main reasons of the people against abortion advocate. Easy to talk about what you don’t know. How many have seen the conditions those places offer? Do we as a society really provide a way out thru those institutions?

Also, I can’t forget that mega scandals related to pedophilia have hit the courts, relating at least one of the most prestigious institutions. Things aren’t still fully disclosed, but smoke doesn’t come without fire, unless you use dry ice.

This particular scandal made the nation feel nauseous, and after some 30 years of attempts, it finally came to the court stand, were it lies for some years now, involving some of the most respected figures of society, that apparently found young male kids asses a delicacy.

So, in the end, these institutions function as… chicken farms? And periodically we take some to the slaughter house to feed the rich perverts that pay enormous amounts of money for the privilege of eating a forbidden fruit in total secrecy? I find this so called humanity a perfect joke, that was never funny at any point.

As long as we can’t provide a safe and healthy future for the children that cant be looked after by their families, we have no right to act all moralist. No mother or father would want to pass the chance to have another son as long as they had a sufficient economic condition.

Do we really want to give the right to a life that might be profoundly filled by frustration, rejection, hate, anger and other traumas? It really is easy to be a boss in other people’s houses.

Music has been much of my inspiration in a lot of subjects over which I sometimes think about. One in particular hits the spot in this matter, although I’m not aware if it was written based on the same problem. Here it is, it’s quite famous for many, but some may not have paid enough attention to the lyrics:

Metallica – Until it sleeps

Where do I take this pain of mine

I run but it stays right by my side

So tear me open and pour me out

There’s things inside that scream and shout

And the pain still hates me

So hold me until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like the stray

You feed it once and now it stays

Now it stays

So tear me open but beware

There’s things inside without a care

And the dirt still stains me

So wash me until I’m clean

It grips you so hold me

It stains you so hold me

It hates you so hold me

It holds you so hold me

Until it sleeps

So tell me why you’ve chosen me

Don’t want your grip

Don’t want your greed

Don’t want it

I’ll tear me open make you gone

No more can you hurt anyone

And the fear still shakes me

So hold me, until it sleeps

It grips you so hold me

It stains you so hold me

It hates you so hold me

It holds you, holds you holds you until it sleeps

I don’t want it want it want it want it want it

No

So tear me open but beware

There’s things inside without a care

And the dirt still stains me

So wash me ‘til I’m clean

I’ll tear thee open make you gone

No longer will you hurt anyone

And the hate still shapes me

So hold me until it sleeps

Once upon a time in the West

I must had been a teenager when Dire Straits released this song. Nothing much about it. It has Knopfler’s magic touch in the guitar, a nice rhythm, but that’s about how far it goes. It was never one of my all time favorites.

Thing is, not everything or everybody can be exceptional. Real remarkable things or persons get to be seen like that because they rise above of the common. Still, the common is what keeps us in a day-by-day basis.

It’s common to hear this phrase: “Xmas should be everyday”. Couldn’t disagree more. Xmas is a special occasion precisely because we have it once a year. Of the 356 days, only one is formally dedicated to that festivity that in the modern days has too many strings attached to it, but still, families gather and that’s what it’s all about.

We should all be disciplined enough to limit special things in our lives, and have them on special occasions. Turning them into a routine strips them from that special character. They become common, and pretty soon dull.

You can extent that to all things in your life. A malt whisky, a sports car, a good movie, night out’s, that special someone…

Sticking to the last example, let’s try and foresee what happens when you consume a person in excessive doses. This is no surprise to many, but some may sometimes forget it.

Imagine you have a neighbor that’s excessively friendly. You even like the guy, think he is OK, but he starts coming around one time too often. Any excuse is a good one to knock on your door. Never mind his or her motives, you start getting tired of that. Soon enough you can’t do anything in your life, just to attend to that person’s solicitations.

Now, imagine this happening with your better half. Suffocating is an understatement.

No matter what our needs are, we should always limit some of our impulses and think on the other persons needs too. The first time I knock on her door I might get a kiss, but by the tenth time that day, I’ll be lucky if she doesn’t unleash the dogs on me. Giving breathing room is what it’s all about. I much ratter receiving a smile and a kiss from a girlfriend than making out with her Pit Bull.

Back to the songs, everybody has it’s favorites. Songs that we love, and that touches in deep. Some tickle that dancing vein we have inside and gets us jumping, others makes you want to lie on the sofa with a nice drink and just relax. If you abuse that pleasure, you will start to get fed up with it, later on nauseous, and finally scream out loud “will someone please get me out of this?”

So what starts as a well intended pleasure, will eventually turn into something kind of ugly. And why? You abused it. Lack of discipline in consumption.

By now some have already crucified me and are getting the cross up so I can be on public display, but hold on a sec. Even thou you might be in love, and want to spend every waking moment with that someone, that doesn’t mean that it’s what you need. You see, many times what you need and what you want are two different things. And if you like that person for real, and want to be with her, what you want is to be together, but what you need is to make her feel comfortable with you and not scare her off. I’ve seen that happen so many times I’ve lost count.

This is why the common things play an important part in everyday life. I have some very nice restaurants near my place. I can take a girl there and make it special. But if I do it every night, in spite of costing me a fortune, it will lose that special character, and one night she will probably even ask me to just stay at home.

Same with music. Hear it too many times, and you will eventually burn out some fantastic songs. Keep it short and it will always be special. Too short however, and life will be tasteless. Fill in the gaps with things that are just OK, and you will be fine. Take pleasure in the little things. Many times they are the most important.

Latin men still have some trouble in knowing that sometimes, a woman will prefer to have a listener than a hot lover. Just don’t overdo it, OK? They still like to party in bed. But the point is, life cant be filled by just one great thing. We need diversity to fit every mood we have. Staying in sync with someone is to listen to silent words, interpret a look, reading body language. And that any average Joe can do. All you have to do is pay attention.

Happy 2007